I Respectfully Disagree
I think it’s possible to disagree with someone but still respect each other and even be friends.
I’m writing how to respectfully disagree because our church has been going through a sermon series about building bridges, which means to build relationships or connections with those who need Jesus. We’ve also been in the middle of covid and the tensest election season we’ve ever seen in America. The probability of burning bridges we’ve worked hard to build is high if we are not careful. Maybe the best thing to do is to logout of our social media accounts, ignore everyone at work, and stay indoors until the election is over…Not exactly.
As a pastor, I didn’t advise our church to live under a rock, stop serving God, and stop loving our community because that would be unbiblical. I strongly felt that God wanted Calvary to stay focused on what matters to Him, which is being a light in this dark world. I’ve encouraged our church to have conversations, not avoid them. The key is to be wise with what conversations you decide to have. With that said, I suggest refraining from arguments about politics and covid, especially with those who need Jesus not more conflict.
However, what do you do when you come across a person who thinks, holds beliefs, votes, and advocates for things differently than you? How do you have a respectful and beneficial conversation, even if you disagree? Is it possible to disagree without burning bridges... even walking away on good terms? Yes, I do believe it is possible! Here are some tips for having respectful conversations with people:
Know when to start a conversation and when to avoid one. It’s not always worth having a conversation if you or the other person is upset or unsettled. When and where to talk is important too. Talking when you’re exhausted or stressed can be counter-productive. Choosing to hold a conversation online versus in person, or at least on the phone increases the chances of it not going well. I highly recommend having these types of conversations in person. We rarely change minds online and often drive wedges deeper. By the way, know when you’re not qualified to get into a conversation. For instance, I can have a serious conversation about God, the Bible, and some world issues, but you probably won’t see me giving strong positions and points about car engines. If you’re not studied and ready it’s best to walk away or talk about the weather.
Go into a conversation to show and win respect, not an argument. What good is it to win an argument but lose a friend, lose respect, or lose future opportunities to connect? We gain a place of influence and become a voice of reason when we are respectful. Remember, disciples of Jesus are not trying to win an argument, we are trying to win souls!
Disarm yourself from the start. We’ve been going through so many tense situations that we can easily go into conversations locked and loaded with our points and defenses. I was recently answering a survey in a pastors group on Facebook about a sensitive topic. When I shared my view, multiple people read it the wrong way. I figured it was misinterpreted due to reading it online (Like I said, not the best place to have a conversation) but I thought I was innocently answering a survey question. When I scrolled up to see numerous answers, I saw why they may have misinterpreted my statement. Many people had given negative comments and so they read mine as negative too, but it wasn’t. There are so many tense conflicts right now that people are easily misreading intentions.
Value the person and what they have to say. Most people have formulated worldviews over years of experiences, not just information off the internet. To not care what they think or have experienced is to not care about them or what is important to them.
Listen to understand, not to respond. Seek to learn so you can understand where they are coming from. You may have heard multiple holes in their views but refrain from formulating a response. Don’t even tell them where they are wrong, just listen. You’re building a bridge, but you’re also practicing what you want them to do. If they don’t listen when you talk you can say, “I listened to your views, now I would like to state mine without being interrupted if you don’t mind.”
Ask questions that help you understand where they are coming from. These aren’t questions to dismantle or pry, these are questions to help you genuinely care where they are coming from. Here are some examples depending on the conversation: “Why is this important to you?” “Help me understand where you are coming from…” “Is this something you experienced first hand?” “How did you come to this conclusion?”
Validate and acknowledge what is true. The chances are, everyone's a little right and a little wrong. No one has it all figured out because we are all flawed. I still believe in absolute truth and that only God gets to say what is truly right and wrong. Don’t ignore truths, even if they are hard to hear and hurt the credibility of your positions.
Stay humble. The world isn’t over if someone is right and you are wrong. Your ego may take a hit, but the earth is going to keep spinning, the sun will keep rising and the birds will continue singing.
Be kind. Be careful that you don’t come across as condescending. Remember the person across from you is a human being that God loves and Jesus died for.
Express your respect and gratitude. End the conversation well. I’ve said this before, “I may not agree with you, but I still respect you and enjoy our conversations.”
To respectfully disagree is more than a statement, it means you have to show genuine respect. No one believes that statement unless respect has been experienced. By valuing their life, listening to their experiences, and validating their feelings, you have shown respect.
Happy conversing,
Pastor Ryan Coon