LIVING AS ONE FLESH
We trust today’s message encouraged and guided you in your journey of following Jesus. These notes are meant to help you remember and reflect on the message, help you go deeper into study on the subject, or be used for a sermon group discussion.
Sermon Title: LIVING AS ONE FLESH
Main Scripture: Ephesians 5:21-33
{Additional Scripture: Ephesians 1:22-23}
If you’re going through this discussion with a community group this week consider taking the time to read the provided scripture to catch everyone up!
Summary:
When it comes to marriage instruction you would think there would be more in the Bible. The background of the church at that time most likely did not have any instruction on how to be in the Lord (a believer) and married. What should believers’ marriage look like? How do husbands and wives love and live together Pastor Ryan shared how Paul saw the need to instruct the church on how to live in a Holy Spirit-guided or Christ-centered marriage. Under divine direction, Paul offers the church Ephesians 5:21-33.
Notes:
Scripture: What does God’s Word say?
Ephesians 5:21-33 NLT
If you are new to a Biblical worldview you could twist this to be demeaning to women and empowering to men but I assure you that it is not the case here.
Let’s not let our current culture impose our views on this scripture but let’s understand it in its original context and learn how it translates into our day.
Background and Context
Paul addresses them as being in the Lord, meaning believers and how we conduct ourselves is now different from the world when you belong to the Lord.
Paul’s audience in Ephesus belongs to a culture where they desperately needed guidance for living in a Christ-centered marriage.
There is clearly a divine order of authority (responsibility and accountability) in scripture and we see that in this text.
The fact that Paul addresses wives first is something out of the ordinary. You would think that it would be best for Paul to address the men first since they are the head. But this was a sign of Paul elevating women who were typically given little to no instruction in these cultures.
More scripture is dedicated to the husband because they needed an overhaul in their thinking as well now that they are in the Lord.
Paul wasn’t stating a view that every man held. He was calling men and women to a higher and Christ-centered view of living in marriage, especially one that exemplifies the love of Christ and submission to Christ.
This instruction would be radical to these husbands who grew up in a culture that did not look to serve and love their wives as Christ did, but more so the other way around.
V. 21 We all submit to God when we fulfill our roles and we all submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Jesus gave his life up for us all and we learn to serve one another as well. I may have headship, but I still have to submit myself to serve and love my wife. Even though I am over my kids in authority I still submit myself to serve, raise, and train my kids. This is what the Bible demonstrates as servant leadership, not lordship. It may say wives submit to husbands but men submit to God and have the great responsibility of laying their lives down for their wives and kids.
Wives (v. 22-24)
Submit to your husbands as to the Lord
The husband has been entrusted and ordained by God (not man) to carry the sacred responsibility of headship for his wife and family (Eph. 5:21–24; Col. 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1–6). A wife in the Lord recognizes this is ordained by God so she respects her husband’s leadership and even helps (suitable helper) by carrying this responsibility as a mother and caretaker.
Single parents would assume both roles and responsibilities.
To submit is to yield, to come “under”, “to yield.” Hypotasso (v. 24) in Greek denotes “Submission in the sense of voluntarily yielding in love” (BAGD, 848).
**The husband does not command the wife to do this. The verb implies that she does this voluntarily. Submission does not imply that the wife is inferior, less intelligent, or less competent. Christ submitted to the Father but was not inferior or less God than the Father (1 Cor. 11:3; 15:28). Submission does not indicate that the wife puts her husband in the place of Christ. Christ is supreme in all things! The submissive wife does not give up independent thought. Submission never signifies that a wife gives in to her husband’s every demand. If demands are unrighteous, she submits to her higher authority, Jesus. Alexander, R. H. (1996). Marriage. Evangelical Dictionary of biblical theology (electronic ed., pp. 512–513). Baker Book House.
I would add that husbands shouldn’t demand at all.
V. 24 Wives submit as the church submits to Christ.
Paul uses a helpful gauge for wives to know what submission looks like with the analogy of Christ and the church. The church’s submission to Christ’s leadership involves being loyal, faithful, devoted, pure, and loving. This represents the essence of what wives are to their husbands. -FullLife Commentary Pg. 1076.
Husbands (v. 25-29)
Love your wives as Christ loved the church.
Notice that Paul does not stress the husband’s authority over his wife but his love for her. The husband’s headship or authority is not that of a domineering man who makes all decisions and requires submission by his wife. Rather, Paul carefully safeguards the dignity and well-being of a wife by defining her husband's authority in terms of the power and depth of his self-sacrificing love for her. FullLife Commentary pg, 1077
We see four examples of Christ’s love to guide the husband’s love for his wife:
1. Sacrificial love. Give your life for your wife as Christ gave his life for the church. Christ initiated his love for us first, let it be we do the same, husbands. “Christ loved the church, not that the church might do things for Him, but that he might do things for the Church.”-Barclay. Jesus came to serve not be served and to be great in the Kingdom of God is to serve! What is ultimately asked of us is to become a self-sacrificing, servant leader like Jesus who gave up His life for the salvation, sanctification, provision and unfailing love for His saints.
2. Purifying love. Only Jesus can purify and make our wives holy. But we can live and love like Christ so much that we inspire our wives to have the same type of relationship with God. We can live a faithful relationship with God that inspires and teaches our wives to do the same. Gentlemen, it should be us who is inspiring our wives, not our wives dragging us to church, prayer, or to have a relationship with God. Sure, we all need to pick each other up and help each other at times, but we should be leading the way.
3. Caring love. Care for our wives as we would our own bodies. This refers to practical and tangible provision and affection. But further: Love that does not love and expect something back or only loves to get something in return. Can you love your wife because you simply love like Christ did, knowing full well, we would not love him back perfectly? “The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” -Matthew Henry Commentary
4. Unbreakable love. A holy union and bond that is for life. Husband, your love towards your wife is likened to being united to her as the members of the body are united to each other. You would not consider separating a body part from your body but keeping it as whole. Love with that kind of love.
What does this headship look like? The Evangelical dictionary of Biblical Theology offers a great Biblical explanation:
The husband is to assume headship/leadership (1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:23). The normal meaning of biblical headship is leadership with authority, as exemplified in Christ (cf. 1 Cor. 11:1–10; Eph. 1:22; 4:15; 5:23). Headship is a benevolent responsibility without disdaining condescension and patronizing of the woman (cf. Matt. 7:12; Luke 22:26; 1 Peter 3:7). Although the husband leads as Christ leads the church, the husband does not have all the rights and authority of Christ. He leads his wife toward dependence upon Christ, not upon himself, for all human leaders are fallible. The husband leads like Christ, being considerate of his wife with respect and knowledge. He considers the ideas of those he leads, because they may be better than his own. Leadership’s goal is not to show the leader’s superiority, but to elicit all the strengths of people for the desired objective. Headship is not male domination, harshness, oppression, and reactionary negativism (cf. 2 Cor. 1:24; Eph. 5:29; Col. 3:19), for “no one ever hated his own body.”
Leadership assumes the responsibility to initiate and implement spiritual and moral planning for a family. Others, however, should also think, plan, initiate, and give input. The husband, however, must accept the burden of making the final choice in times of disagreement, although seldom should this be needed.
The husband’s leadership and its authority is a God-given responsibility to be carried out in humility. Inappropriate use of leadership should be curbed by the unique intimacy and union implied in the phrases “one flesh,” “no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it,” and “joint heirs of the grace of life” (Eph. 5:29–31; 1 Peter 3:7).
The husband leads with an attitude of love…Such love rules out treating his wife like a child or servant; rather he assists her to be a “fellow-heir.”
The husband is to treat his wife with respect and considerateness (1 Peter 3:7). The husband bestows honor upon his wife. He always shows respect for her privately and in public.
The husband appropriately provides for and protects his wife. This does not mean that the wife cannot assist in supporting the family, for Proverbs 31 demonstrates that a godly wife may surely do so. The husband should always be willing to suffer for her safety.
Appeal
**Gentlemen of all ages, Husbands in the room. How can we love like Christ if we do not know Christ? If we are going to be the husbands God designed us to be, we must know Jesus. When men live and love like Christ, our wives will see a trustworthy and respectable man of God.
Let me speak to the single ladies. We believe the love of Jesus is the greatest love in the world. We’re learning today that your future husband who ought to be a Godly man, is instructed to love like Jesus. Therefore, the man you are seeking, dating, or giving yourself to in marriage should know Jesus and His love before you get serious in any of these stages.
Our Home Experience
I try my best to live in such a way that it isn’t hard to follow my lead (I’m not perfect). I’m in fellowship with God so I can have the reminder and grace to live the way Jesus wants me to and not the way my flesh wants. I strive to show my wife the love we learned about today and demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit. My wife is a joy to serve because she shows appreciation and does an incredible job being a full-time mom, full-time teacher at CCA and she helps me carry the weight of my call as husband, father, and pastor. If either one of us are acting up and are not living Christ-like we don’t hesitate to communicate it.
We take ONE FLESH seriously in marriage so we do everything as a team. We each know our limits and we each know our strengths and weaknesses. When she is exhausted, sick, or needing a break, I step in and do her duties. My wife steps in when I’m feeling the same way.
Grocery shopping
Cook (story on Memorial Day)
Household chores
Leading our kids spiritually, disciplining our kids,
Running errands
Discipling (and disciplining) the kids
There are some things we don’t do
It's our conviction that since we are one flesh our finances should be together. There are no secrets about our expenses so we pull cash out if we want to surprise one another. I oversee our finances and manage the bills since we moved everything online.
My wife oversees our personal calendar and all the kids' school and ministry calendars. I am extremely grateful for that.
Decision making
We make decisions together. If we don't know, I often take the lead on the research and present it to my wife.
When decisions come to an impasse, we wait and pray. If we both don’t know what to do, we get counsel outside our marriage.
We ultimately make a decision together and take responsibility for the rewards or losses, together.
CLOSE
To live as one flesh is a powerful harmony to experience. We often notice we get more done, we are more efficient, less tired, and have fewer conflicts because we've learned to work as a team. We simply serve one another and pick up any slack without keeping records of who does more (Unfortunately, we did that in our early days of marriage).
We've learned we can't do this on our own power and strength and we don't have to. As we fellowship with God He gives us the grace to be what we need in our marriage and home.
Ephesians 1:22-23 NLT 22 God has put all things under the authority of Christ and has made him head over all things for the benefit of the church. 23 And the church is his body; it is made full and complete by Christ, who fills all things everywhere with himself.
Husbands, Christ gave up His throne to serve and sacrifice His life for us, have the same attitude towards your wife. Wives, Jesus has given His all for you, in the same way, you appreciate that sacrificial love, and respect, and appreciate your husband's ongoing pursuit of loving like Jesus.
Be patient with one another. Even with the Lord’s help we don't change and become this overnight.
Discussion:
What did God use in this sermon to speak to your heart or situation?
How has culture distorted the view of this scripture?
In what ways did this message refine your view of a wife’s submission and a husband’s love?
What stuck out to you from Pastor’s Ryan’s home experience?
What does One Flesh look like in your home?
What other notes did you highlight or write down that you would like to share?
The most important decision you will ever make!
Are you ready to experience salvation and be transformed? We encourage you to process this decision with a strong believer and when you’re ready say a simple prayer like this from your heart: Dear God, I acknowledge and admit I have sinned. I see my need for Jesus Christ. I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I believe I am forgiven and cleansed of my sin by His death. I also believe I have eternal life because of His resurrection from the dead. I repent, I turn away from my old ways and I choose to live my life to worship you and follow Jesus, amen!
We would love to know if you made the decision to accept this wonderful gift from God. Let us know here.
Pray Together
We hoped you found this AFTER THE SERMON discussion helpful for your walk with Jesus. We pray you can find ways to apply it this week!